It was like a light that came on. I realised that all of the readings had the one thing common. Each person did what they had to do to fulfill their need to succeed n the area of their interest. Which for me is life changing. See for me I was so concerned about what every body else wanted or needed that I took no time for myself. To learn who it was i was made to be. You might be saying what does that have to do with anything? well. a very wise young man demonstrated a certain level of transparency that really lit something within me. i realized that every thing; directly or in directly effects the outcome of another circumstance some how. there is a bigger picture. 
The question comes to mind. Why is at 55 years of age, I am just now getting a clue. what was it that affected the building of this person I admire now when I look in the mirror. At one point broken, but now just healed. Finally able to see some good, no one to blame just the life God chose for me. That He might get the greater glory. Yes I am a Believer in every way the word states. Not perfect just forgiven. I am a faith Walker. i trust God for The Impossible and He has shown me some things because of it. I listen to all sorts of statements that I don't respond to, simply because what i believe is based on what i myself have experienced..Believe me when I say amazing grace is all it has been.That is my faith.
My life however is a different reflection of would be facts if it were not for my Faith. Born to Gilbert and Jeanie Roberts, and raised in my pre-teens to teen years by Jeanie and Jarvis Hawkins, and the love of my life My grandmother Emma Thomas who raised me in my earlier years. Still i say Thank you. Having been raped by a babysitter at the tender age of 5 she took me in to a safe place her home, or so i had thought. So from Denver to Bremerton I was moved. My Grandmother was my covering. i was treated badly by my cousins and my teen Uncles and Aunt were rather cruel as well. i can remember them chasing me with a Pigs head calling me names and daring me to tell my grandmother. it wasn't my fault she protected me she new my story.
The tragedy of incest is real, you know when relatives take advantage of younger cousins doing things that should not be. Before the time that Pedophiles were even acknowledged. Why did they keep it a secret I wonder.Keeping that secret only caused more Harm. So many left their children with them for a night out on the town. Not Neglect, just misplaced trust. No One to blame just was what it was, a tragedy. Another opportunity to push a young lady deeper into that dark place were validation is found in sexual promiscuity. Yet no one ever inquires why. scattered ugly memories from age 5 to about age 11. mama and daddy moved back to Washington onto my Grandfathers property in one of the three houses he built. So I had to move next door with them. thankful grama was in range.
I think from a young age I began doing what ever I could to please others. if they were in a good place somehow my world was OK. my years in Jr high school; hm mm, well it wasn't the football team but we can say I was busy. High school I got into sports thinking it would distract my behavior but sad to say it was no better. I started smoking cigarettes and pot in my first year of high school formerly. Really it began much earlier because my mom smoked and I would sneak her cigarettes and her roaches( left over joints) she would forget to stash away.
By the end of my 10th grade year i was a pot head and every ones girl. In a Military town it wasn't hard to find whatever you needed. My mom attended school in Bellingham and was gone through the quarters she was in school. My dad had a juke joint in the shack in the back and that's were he spent most of His time playing Poker. Needless to say no supervision led to transition..I didn't graduate with my class and I ended up getting pregnant. The father wanted nothing to do with me i think he may have been married. Another fella had a crush on me and threatened to kill his self if he couldn't have me, the guy was a hopeless alcoholic and yes, I married him couldn't stand the idea of his death on my conscience. Went to Oceanside Ca. and left Him 6 months later. To this day I don't know where he is at. The last I heard someone had shot his eye out, he survived and now has a glass eye.
While I was still pregnant . I met my daughters father. We lived together until I gave birth to my son Jarvis and then I moved back home with my mom. She was consumed with her first Grandson. When Jarvis was 9 months I was invited for a visit and came back pregnant. Crystals father didn't know about her until she was 5. He was a violent man and I felt that if I told him i would be trapped with him.
Jarvis and Crystal were 18 months a part so that was a challenge but I did what I had to do, I did work two jobs, but it was fast food and the pay stunk. I moved to a place on 5th street when Jarvis and Crystal were 3 and 4. My life had spiraled into behavior that should have brought death, but to this day i believe God had a Devinne plan in the midst of my mess. again this is really just reflections that provoked an unexpected reaction. The reaction of having to walk myself through this thing called my life in Amazement of the many things that God has done
Emotionally , mentally even physically scared but here and now standing strong and pressing forward. I have not arrived but I am most certainly Moving forward. Like Rose I floated thru life just doing enough, but then like Malcolm I became so hungry for what I didn't have I started fervently seeking after it, and then as all have stated; doing it my way , which in my plan is God's way..
A random thought moment
No comments:
Post a Comment